Tilling the Soil
by Sombereyes
Summary: I feel misplaced, and the devotion I feel drives me to the brink of my insanity...but, if I could become someone worthy of having Sachiko, I could make her happy. I could gift her the freedom she wants most, and I am a woman, the same as her. My considerations are filled with intensity, and for not the first time, I wonder if this really would be for the best.


A/N: I wanted to try my hand at something new, and thought this might be a good way to give myself a breath of fresh air. Thank you to WindChaser0001 who was the beta for this project.

I do not own Maria-sama Ga Miteru.

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**Tilling The Soil**  
(Yōko POV)

Maria-sama is our guardian, she watches over us in every way. We are gentle flowers, with whom she waters, bestows with light, and gifts us precious things. We covet nothing, because we need nothing more than the garden in which we live. Wrapped in dark colored uniforms, we were taught the bonds that only young maidens can have. The soeur system is made to form unbreakable bonds of sisterhood. I once thought the idea to be laughable...but then, I got to choose my own soeur.

I chose her because of her demeanor. Her softness, protected by a thin layer of chilliness. She was ruled by the way she was expected to live and that, as a blue blood myself, interested me. I did as expected as well, but I always let my voice state clearly when I was overdone, or if I was unhappy. The girl I chose, Sachiko, couldn't do that. I could think back to the time I was only worried about her, but, that would pale in comparison to the youngest rose in the family.

Sachiko has her own little sister now...and I think Sachiko's only become more beautiful because of it. I remember the few times I spent with Yumi alone, and I understand why that is.

Her fingers tentatively touched mine. She was such an open book, her emotions showed clearly on her face, always. So, reaching out to her was easy. So unlike my Sachiko. Yumi is the youngest sister, but I know one day, she will take a little sister for herself as well. In any case, Yumi is fleeting. So often, I find myself interested in her every move because she does so beautifully, without being graceful. There is this untarnished way about her. A way I wished I could have encouraged Sachiko to be.

I wanted her to smile and doing so, I wanted her to learn there is more to life than she could ever begin to comprehend.

Sachiko is like a box, and Yumi, she's more like a ball being thrown in whichever direction life takes her. I appreciate that. I also admire it, for all that it is. That's why I understand how beautiful life had become for that fleeting time when both of my sisters were by my side. I know, I asked her to watch over her...I wanted Yumi to ensure that Sachiko wouldn't lock herself away after I graduated. I sometimes wonder, was that the right choice? It might seem as if I pay little mind to her now that I've graduated, but it simply isn't true.

I'm just brought to wonder, what kind of person can I be for Sachiko?

How do I guide her properly? Mindfully, I recall this is a question I've asked myself several times before. I remember when I first met her. How I began to shape her into the young woman she is now. I understand, I am no saint. I doubt very much, that Maria-sama could ever forgive me of the many transgressions. Then again, although I'm not as trite as Sei, I feel my fair share of weariness. My soeur is often to blame for my lack of resolve. I understand this, and recognize that Sachiko is unlike most her own age.

It is humorous to note, her fellow roses also share quite the burden. They're all so incapable of finding their own measure of happiness. Instead, they prefer to wallow around in the pool of remorse left behind by their elders. I have noticed, even if they don't want me to. The truth is, we can't go to them, comfort them as elder sisters would. In that way, we're helpless. We can only watch from a distance, least our little sister be hurt by our brashness. Sei is often unable to keep herself away from Yumi, and I find that is fitting.

Sei calls me the meddler, but, it seems the shoe on the other foot. Sei can take proper care of Yumi in the way that I cannot, so I allow it...after all, they both have that carefree exterior that cradles insecurities.

It gives me time to deal with Sachiko...I've recently begun to understand that ,perhaps, taking her on as a younger sister was merely a stepping stone. I can no longer guide Sachiko as such. It may be misplaced, but I think, I've begun to understand Sei far better. Sachiko needs someone to rely on, someone with whom she can be weak at the knees. Perhaps, I put more stock in Yumi than I should have...or, that I've underestimated my petite soeur. Either way, I believe I understand how difficult it is...and that wavering line makes sense to me now.

I now see what Sei was agonized over...and why she fought to forge such a bond for so long. I now, after having a few years of reflection, have discovered a new quandary, It isn't particularly unfounded, but it is a bit unorthodox. I'm unsure what to do. Should I continue to see Sachiko as a young one I must guide...or need I change my perspective? I wonder, should I start seeing her as woman who needs not a guiding hand, but a warm embrace every night? Would that be fitting to do that or would it cause more problems?

An even better question is, can I do that?

This entire mess was sparked by a simple conversation that could have been avoided...but I ran headlong into it. Looking back, I now understand this is not an easy matter. It was a typical afternoon that brought me to first to consider that our needs may be changing slowly.

"Onee-sama, do you think this is wise?" Her eyes are a rich blue color, beautiful, but very deep. I'd always felt as if I might drown if I wasn't careful. She held up a sweater that she'd hand-picked. "I think I've begun to enjoy shopping, but..." She's often unable to do things freely, because Sachiko is a bit more frail than she may outwardly appear. She's overtly delicate, in fact, she truly is a rose. You can't squeeze her tightly or she'll stab you, like a thorn would. "I honestly don't see how some people do this for hours on end."

"You're interested in learning about Yumi's lifestyle, are you not?" I was always trying to get Sachiko to be more independent and yet, more reliant at the same time. I wanted her make her own choices and to stick by her true desires. Within that, I wanted her to open up about her troubles. To some degree I succeeded, and in others I failed. How was I to know that this young sister before me would begin to take my hopes and forge them to new extremes?

Sachiko is gifted at that. A subtle mania of what she wants tends to swirl with her unfounded reactions. "It isn't just that." She looked away, as I expected she might. "I don't want her to think that I'm unable to understand her."

"Hysterical, as always, Sachiko." That day, I saw a lot of uneasy things dancing about her. Her fingers gripped cloth a bit harder than usual. Her hands were unsteady. Her steps were a tiny bit smaller, hesitant perhaps. Even her eyes seemed full of melancholy. "Yumi isn't that kind of person." I sighed, wondering how on earth my rose family could jump to those conclusions. "You would have never picked a judgmental person as a soeur. Yumi isn't the type of person to begrudge you for anything." At first, I'd begun to think they had been having a spat of some sort. "Is there a disagreement going on?"

"No, but I honestly wish that was the problem." I watched as that hesitancy turned into fear. Her often gentle eyes can change to a cold bitterness easily. This, however, was not cold, it was heated, a pink hue colored her cheeks, and I knew then that this was unlike one of her normal problems. This turmoil ran deep, and Sachiko's fragility was like that of glass.

"What is the problem?" I knew, I would have to tread lightly.

"It may be that I'm a man hater, but is that such a bad thing?" She couldn't look at me, and that spoke volumes. The confession was only the tip of the iceberg. "Is it so awful to love a woman?"

I'd never dragged my petite soeur away so fast in my life. I pulled her away from the store, where prying eyes made things difficult. My chest felt heavy, and I wanted to embrace her as I'd often done in the past. This however was a bombshell that was poorly concealed. I needed time, my mind was in overdrive. There was little more I could do than watch her become a victim to her own desires...but even so...it's different, when it's your own petite soeur. It's easier to coddle them, hold them...become emotionally invested in their struggles, when they're yours to watch and protect.

A first year is like a babe in many ways. She requires the ability to learn and thrive...to be guided in ways that will help her meet adulthood with honest eyes. A second year not only learns what it means to be protected, she learns that she must also protect someone of her own. The family goes on and so, when Sachiko took Yumi into the red rose family, the world in which Sachiko lived changed drastically. Now that I've graduated, I'm not around to help her guide Yumi. I'm not around to meddle, as they say. Sachiko has to decide everything on her own...but even so, I still watch her from afar.

I'm glad I do, because of days like that day.

I took her to the place that protected her most. We hurried beyond the statue and the school yard. The one place we both needed to be, for this was the only place where we could have found safety. Four walls and a table upon which, a vase of flowers awaited tending. Old habits die hard, I could be the person I needed to be there. I was often the pushy older sister, the one that stuck her nose into everything. Sachiko wasn't talking of a sisterly bond when such a thing slipped from her lips, and I knew that.

I confronted her, in the hopes of better understanding the situation. "It is not awful, as you say, to love a woman." I remember feeling my voice wanting to constrict at this uncomfortable topic because, to put it bluntly, Sachiko wasn't Sei. I couldn't just act as if I was alright with every little detail. I needed air, and looking out the window, something I did often, came to be my own answer. I knew it would help me cope with this. "However, there are different kinds of love, and some are more frowned upon than others."

"You know the kind I'm speaking about." So cold...angry almost, but it was aimed at her own heart. "The type most wouldn't amuse."

"I expected many trials for you, Sachiko." I told her. I tried to keep a casual eye on the situation because at least then, she could see that I wasn't bothered by it. "Love was one of them. Be it with a woman or with a man, you are a difficulty in matters of the heart." I had to be honest with her, and that truthfulness was a bit painful for me. "Is it Yumi?" She shook her head. "Shimako, perhaps?" Again she denied feelings of romantic love for them.

"It isn't anyone, Onee-sama!" She finally proclaimed to me, raising her voice just a little. "I just know in my heart, that I do not want to be with a man." Sachiko sighed and her voice became small again. "My marriage will be arranged, you know that. If I must be with someone, can't it at least be with a woman I can tolerate?" It was the plight of many women, and she wasn't the only one who'd have to endure a family so loaded with ideals.

I remember that I tested a theory. "A woman can have mistresses as well." She was a man hater, fearful of them...angry about what they'd done to the women in the family. Still, I wondered about her preconceived notions. "No one can say for sure that a woman will be more faithful than a man. I know many stories that depict otherwise."

"I understand that clearly." I felt as if she didn't, but her next words cut through that, like a knife. "If I were ever married to a man, I would become that woman." Oh, the look on her face was stabbing into my heart...and it is the same look that forces me into my considerations as I reflect on that. "A person can only be suffocated for so long. If pushed to my brink, I would need some sort of fresh air. How would I attain it otherwise?" She used my own words, she tossed them at me, and I found myself unable to respond.

It was that day, one spent as sisters, that reminded me of Sachiko's needs. I often wonder what will become of her after high school. After she leaves the walls that so protect her, I ponder if she will have the strength she needs. I will inherit my father's company. My path is placed before me in my career, but my love life is mine to have. Sachiko is different. Her romance will be chosen for her, and it will be up to her to her betrothed to decide what freedom she has.

I doubt, wholeheartedly, that I am strong enough, and still...I feel the pang in my heart dictate this is what I need to do. I feel misplaced, and the devotion I feel drives me to the brink of my insanity...but, if I could become someone worthy of having Sachiko, I could make her happy. I could gift her the freedoms she wants most, and I am a woman, the same as her. My considerations are filled with intensity, and for not the first time, I wonder if this really would be for the best. I don't have that answer, but my stammering heart flutters in a way that doesn't make me unhappy.

It makes me fearful, a rejection is something I will not accept...

...

She paced around her bedroom one morning, she was an early riser. The sun had not yet risen, and a troubled night of sleep had invited restlessness. For weeks, she pondered the difficulties that Sachiko gave her. She felt it weigh her down more often than not, because she had a troublesome girl as a soeur. She was always so careful to adhere to rules and regulations that, to even consider that Sachiko might be otherwise inclined, was a feat. To cross the line further, into territory otherwise unexplored, well that ocean.

It was one Yōko found difficult accepting.

"You keep on pacing around like that and you'll get your skirt in a bunch." Sei was not often the first choice to ask for advice. Still, she was the one who had the most experience with this sort of inclination and understood well, what Yōko herself couldn't even fathom. "Sachiko wants to be with a woman, there's nothing wrong with that." She sipped her tea idly, amusement twinkling in her eyes. "There are plenty of women out there of high standing, there must be a gay one among them."

"Must you be crass?" Yōko sighed, shaking her head in dismay. "That word...it's so vulgar. It makes it seem as if the idea is wrong...unclean even. It doesn't sit well with me." She crossed her arms and leaned on the wall nearest to her window. "It shouldn't sit well with anyone, really. Such a word..."

"That is the word for it." Sei replied back with a shrug. "If you can't handle that, what makes you think you can deal with the other aspects?" Gently, her words flowed through the room with her easygoing voice. Still, there was an honesty, brutal and dark, that laced it. "It isn't easy to accept that this is a taboo, but that is what it is...even I know that." She put down her cup, and considered it carefully. "While I don't believe love is wrong, no matter what kind of love it is, I also think it needs to be thought of as a burden."

"If only it were that easy." Yōko allowed her eyes, full of her uncertainty, to gaze at Sei briefly. "If that were the case, feeling this troubled would make sense to me." Sei was something else entirely. A deep pool of knowledge that Yōko couldn't swim in. She averted her eyes again. "I don't view this as a burden. As unfounded as this may sound, I view this as a liberation."

"I thought that too, at first." Sei admitted, her words soft. "In truth, I wish you the luck you'll need to have that type of romance. I hope it works out."

"You still sound doubtful." Yōko murmured, letting her eyes meet Sei's again. "Is it so impossible?"

"To feel so free that you think you're flying?" Sei asked, whimsical at best. "That's very possible, but remember, Yōko, sooner or later you'll have to land." At that, she grasped her teacup, drowning her bitterness with her drink. With a pause, she finally met Yōko stare again. " It isn't an easy thing, that's all I'm trying to say."

...  
(Yōko POV)

Regardless of Sei's warning, I pondered on it a little longer, but my heart wavered. It would have been easy to simply ask Sachiko's father. My family has a particular line of breeding in it as well. It isn't nearly as prominent as Sachiko's, but it maintains a level worthy of a blue blood. My history is not one to frown over, and that's not something I feel I need to boast about. It's merely a factual matter, and one that gifts me opportunity. It would be odd to ask for her hand, yes. Her father may deny me, thinking I've lost my good senses. I wouldn't hate him, if he did.

Still, all of that being well and good, it doesn't quell my uncertainty about this.

I wouldn't advise anyone to take the steps I'm taking. I wouldn't think this wise, or even an amusing idea...it really isn't at all funny. Still, what would a person call this act? Irresponsible, yes. Zany, comes to mind as well. Even going so far as to call this completely and utterly maddening, it makes perfect sense. Still, I called her over for tea..this girl...a young woman. I care enough about her that I doubt this would be wrong...yet, is it proper? Probably not. "Sachiko, I've been thinking." I'm not one to titter around a topic. "It is time we talk at great length about our futures." That is sometimes not a good thing.

I swirl the tea in my cup as I await her response, to which, I'm given none. "It should come as no surprise to you, that I've got to take my family's company on my shoulders." I continue on, I should have known she wouldn't say anything to such a notion. "I have a lot of things to keep my eye on." I tell her softly, trying to get her to stop frowning deeply at the white tablecloth. "As wise as you are, I know better than to bore you about the trivialities." I intake a breath. "I'll be brief. I think we should explore this difficulty of yours together." I hope it is enough.

Surely, as I had wished they would, her eyes lift from the table. "Onee-sama?" It falls heavily from her lips.

I slam my eyes shut, the pang in my chest is hard to bear when I hear her say it in that manner. "Please don't call me that, Sachiko." It feels so wrong to hear that word right now. "Not under the insinuation, don't use that as a barrier between us."

"I don't believe I understand." When I open my eyes, I see her wavering. She doesn't believe me, nor can she begin to process what I've just gone ahead and offered to her.

"Don't play coy." I know she isn't, but I say things bluntly anyway. "You've no need to play hard to get. You'll either accept that I've come to think about this matter, lewdness aside, or we can forget I've said any of this."

She's struggling, I can see it. "It isn't that I want to forget." She manages to say. "It's that I don't know if we could ever be more than this."

I've thought that too. Toiling for so long over that fact hasn't given me a pathway to answers. I honestly don't believe this will be easy, but, I doubt it could crush us in sadness either. Sachiko is strong, I feel that within my heart. I am also a person that can stand the tests of trial and error. "I don't think losing you as a little sister will be a bad thing." I also don't know what I'm doing, but I allow my hand to fall over one of hers. "If anything, Sachiko, I believe it will grant us both a happiness we couldn't do without."

She is nothing more than a gentle rose. I want little more, than to become her garden again. Is that really so much to ask?


End file.
